I’m alive. I feel the oxygen coming into my body and the carbon dioxide leaving. But I’m alive. Or at least so they say. To be honest, sometimes I feel like I have cinder blocks tied to both my ankles in a swimming pool. So how is it a fair fight. I mean I am not physically rebuilt by these surgeons to carry all this physical and emotional weight. I mean, how Is it fair that I have to day after day pretend that my life is really okay? I mean, how do I tell someone I am not ok without having them say well others have it worse? I mean, how do I tell someone that I have a genetic condition that is not curable? I mean how to do I politely tell someone no I have never considered trying to meditate all my problems away? How do you say that your severe anxiety and depression won’t be cured by meditation? Truthfully, I just say thank you then walk away. But what I want to say is no I need medicine I do have severe anxiety and depression. So, then I get so lonely I start to feel that if a doctor won’t listen, then no one wants to hear my issues, my secrets, my despair, and my fears. I place them in these jars in my head neatly closed but tight together. Fearing the day, there’s no more space for my jars and they all come crashing and breaking down. Releasing the dark I’ve learned to hold inside of me because when you are told to “just meditate” and “you’ll be fine” the truth is you won’t. And the truth is I wasn’t.
I was there once. My depression was so bad that I was there. I never told anyone. The day was a normal school day. I woke up and I was crying all morning. I never did anything. But thinking it was enough to scar me. I eventually made it into school. I even did a presentation in front of people. Because I learned how to act like everything was okay even when I knew it wasn’t. Finally found a doctor who listened and gave me the medicine my brain needed to function properly.
That’s not to mention the part of how my family either didn’t care about my Ehlers Danlos or dismissed it. I had to learn that while some don’t want to believe it or hear it doesn’t mean I don’t have people who will. I found my mom, sister, and my couple of friends. I used to be mad at these family members, but now I just learned that while they want to live like the world is rosy and butterflies I know that it can be a real bitch sometimes. And while you dismiss it, I will not stop educating people and posting about it. And sharing what I have to live with day to day for the rest of my life.