You Have to Learn to Be Okay with Putting Yourself First

There are certain times or events in your life that you must be like I am putting myself first and that’s it. While I know it’s easier said than done. When it comes to dealing with selfish people in my life who take what is happening to me and turn it into “woe me” for them well let’s just say I tend to lose my temper even with all that deep breathing. 

Not everyone understands that you don’t want to sit there and listen to all about them while you’re dealing with say a looming future surgery. For me anytime I say I feel nervous or anxious about my future surgery I get the typical response of them twisting it into something else like “oh she misses me so much” or “I’m so upset about it too” which believe me I might miss you and believe me I know you might also be upset too but that’s not the point of me saying “I’m nervous.”The point of me saying
“I’m nervous about my surgery”, is that I am not sure how to handle my bad nervous energy and I need emotional support. Not the other way around where yes “I’m nervous” but that doesn’t mean I have the mental ability to help support you emotionally.  While I know that I am strong because I’ve had six other surgeries that doesn’t mean I want to hear you complain about how you feel about my surgery and make it about yourself. 

When someone like me who is on to their seventh surgery I want emotional support from people and not me giving you emotional support.  

More importantly the lesson with having a chronic illness is that you have to be okay with putting yourself first emotionally and physically. It’s hard because I’m constantly seeing other’s around me need me but I can’t even really support myself emotionally right now so supporting someone else is such a far fetch idea sometimes.  While there is no easy way to put yourself first without risking losing other people in the process if those people are good they will be willing to try to understand your situation and try to stick around and help you. 

Only when you feel that yes you can help your friend or family member without hurting yourself is when you know you’re okay. Helping someone can be good but if it stresses you out it can hurt you more than help the other person in the long run.  

Helping yourself isn’t being selfish it’s putting your priories in order and realizing that if you help someone else with an issue they are having you may be risking your own health both physically and mentally when really all you can offer that person is just being there for them. 

Because sometimes all a person truly needs is to know that you’re there for them and willing to stick around for a long time. 

I have to get surgery…again

The difference this time I won’t be on crutches! Which is sort of a positive way for me to look at this not so fun situation. I am getting surgery on my wrist because I have a TFCC tear which is the tendon that stabilizes the wrist together. Which means I can’t write for 4 to 6 weeks and typing will be limited. Which is why right now I haven’t really been on posting because my pain is so bad.

Although good news to those who are following me I have this new typing thing that I can speak and it types what I say. So I may still be able to post more often and keep you guys updated as I go through the procedure and then physical therapy.

It isn’t so much hard to tell everyone as much as it is hard to walk into the same place I got some of my other surgeries before. I hate hospitals but I hate the feeling and smells of them.

I thought I got over my last thing where I used to get extremely nauseous from the smell of hand sanitizer except that didn’t last long as it’s back now.

I don’t even know what else to say at this point. So have a good day!


Happy New Year!!! 

I was supposed to get an EMG but I got a call 49 minutes before the appointment saying the doctor isn’t coming in. So now I’m going into my New Years with like stress, anger, and lack of sleep. I also have more questions than answers about my carpal tunnel and while I’ve waited longer to get answers on things like surgery. I find that having my dominant hand be kind of useless and also going to CCAC and taking some general education classes seems so far away in my reach. 

I try not to lose hope but when you’ve already decided not to go away to college due to overwhelming stress, pain, and distance from all my doctors and any hospital. The idea that even commuting to CCAC seems so daunting. Granted I can walk my worry isn’t that my worry is that I won’t be able to write and even do simple tasks that are necessary to pass a college math class seems impossible. 

I’m not going to sit here and say yeah I expected 2017 to be my year but I thought I wasn’t going to be struggling this badly. But I won’t give up hope to soon but see there’s yet again a 50/50 chance of getting surgery that’s daunting in and of itself. 

So how do I hold my stress from exploding on others? More than often I don’t. I’m no good with stress or depression. While they are always there for me when I don’t want them to be they seem to just show up regardless. But I’ve tried to find outlets like exercising with having a new treadmill and also this blog has been kind of a godsend. Also my dog is really amazing. But even all those together I sometimes still go off on those I love but they understand what I’m feeling and going through. 

It’s already hard enough telling people I’ve had 6 orthopedic surgeries consisting of three knees, both feet, and my hip. Let alone the possibility of a new 7th surgery. Ugh 😞😒. 

But anyway happy new year!!! 

When you’re pain is mistaken constantly for being “hangry” 

I have this one person in my life while I know they mean well and say they’re joking. When they say she’s just “hangry” I use to be like okay ya maybe i am. But then I got diagnosed with carpal tunnel and I’m under a whole lotta stress with looming unknown for me as far as whether I need surgery to fix it or not.  I mean I find myself saying I’m tired because I have nerve pain constantly despite being on gabopentin. I just find that when I am explaining myself I go why do I even have to. 🤔🙄

You aren’t anything that others label you as you are what you want to be. You are in control of that. And while at first I did let it bother me. I soon saw I am what I what to be not what others label me as. 

I wish instead of people assuming what I am they’d ask me if I’m okay. Even if I didn’t have carpal tunnel I have Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome and I’ve had six surgeries I am not “hangry” I am not a label. I am Emme survivor of EDS. 🤘🏻💪🏻💪🏻💪🏻

Dealing with Carpal Tunnel Due to Traumatic Injury

I went to a general orthopedic doctor. She came in and said I know you went to a surgeon already but I also know you’re here for a second opinion so that’s why I’m starting from scratch not off of his notes. I then explain my pain and symptoms and how thy came to be from opening a pill bottle causing a crack and likely what became carpal tunnel syndrome. She tapped my wrist asking if this increases my symptoms of tingling and it did. She tapped on my wrist again a little over and it caused tingling again. She goes “you definitely have carpal tunnel syndrome due to traumatic injury”.

She then gave me a game plan of giving me a better brace,getting an MRI,and getting an EMG. Then go back for a followup visit and come to some sort of decision of whether I need surgery to release pressure on the median nerve.

Having answers and having someone listening to you is the most amazing feeling. Because after having a surgeon tell me I’m not loose in my joints and my pain is obviously just that of a sprain   You begin to feel like maybe I am crazy and maybe my pain isn’t real. But then I kept waking up at 1 am leading up to my new appointment. I was sleep deprived and exhausted and in pain.

Now I am on gabopentin/neurotin to help with nerve pain from carpal tunnel syndrome. Good news is it lasts 24 hours. Bad news it makes me hella tired. I mean I sleep through the night but during the day I’m also super tired and drowsy.

Just need to hang in there a little longer.

How to Prepare for Any Appointment But Especially Ones with Surgeons

Not every doctor is the same. Surgeons are a special breed of people most of them have horrible bedside manners but not all. I learned regardless of their bedside manner they don’t want to be your friend they want to treat you make you better and challenge you at every turn.

My knee surgeon was like that. He wanted to help me but he wanted to challenge me at every turn. I think he did like me by my second knee surgery but he wasn’t the type to show any emotion. I think he knew or I like to think he knew that after he let me go at least my knees would be in their best position possible. If he wasn’t pleased with how I was progressing he’d say do better, try harder, push yourself more. I credit my thick skin from him. I felt even on my own I could continue to challenge myself.

My foot surgeon on the other hand was more of the guy who was like a giant teddy bear except he too wanted make me better. He was like the nicest surgeon I’ve had so far very talkative and would even talk about  his own personal life with me.  One funny story when I was getting my foot surgery he went to go tell my mom that it went well and it’s done. So my sister comes over and he nearly has a heart attack because he thought “wait didn’t I just operate on you??” My sister and I look similar but like I didn’t think it was enough to cause my surgeon to panick.

My last surgeon was my hip one. He was the soft spoken but thoughtful and methodical kind of guy. He would often sit in the room and think and come to some sort of conclusion or plan for what’s next for me. I realized due to my EDS I confused him a lot of the time. I mean he went in to my procedure expecting a labrum tear and realize my hip was actually really unstable and essentially coming apart which was causing my instability and pain.

Basically each surgeon taught me how to handle any doctor to help me. You have to go in expecting they don’t care and have your weapons ready have your questions ready, your concerns ready, your worries ready. You are your best advocate. You ink your body so well that you went to a doctor because you knew you couldn’t fix it and something is obviously very wrong. Just be calm, cool, and collected.



Sometimes You Need to Treat Yourself

Dealing with thumb pain and wearing a brace 24/7 especially on your dominant hand. For me I enjoy painting my nails and with not being able to grasp anything with your thumb then painting your nails is out of the question.

Go get a manicure!! I mean I would have naturally chose to save money and ask my sister to do them but she isn’t home so next best thing is going to a salon. I even got gel done so that It’d last longer due to my constant and immense amount of pain and tingling in my thumb and now pain in my wrist.

But what I mean that when having an invisible illness that tires you and affects your joints it can be hard to tell yourself you deserve anything when you feel like crap. Even if it’s not getting a manicure, buy yourself a new shirt, fuzzy socks, sweater, Christmas decoration, or anything that you feel makes you happy. And if you don’t really want to spend on yourself and if you have an amazing mom who does literally everything for her buy her something.

And if not then watch movies you wanna and get a pizza and some ice cream. And get your heated blanket and chill out and treat not only yourself but your joints.